Whenever I meet new people, there are always the same few questions that get asked. Yet my answers are not always what people assume. The question of “where are you from?” is normal enough, but my answer often confuses people. You see, I was born in Australia, grew up in the UK, and now live in the Netherlands. Once that is cleared up, and they’ve heard my life story, the next question that usually follows is: “And where is your boyfriend from?” or “What does your boyfriend do for work?”
And my heart sinks. I have to quickly think on my feet and make a judgement: is this person safe to tell the truth to? Will they stare? Will they make a comment? Will they understand?
There is a default presumption of heterosexuality. The way I look, speak, and present myself, there is only ever one assumption. There is no question about it. Looking at me, I must be straight. I have always liked traditionally girly things and tend to present quite femininely. Most people are surprised when they learn I have a girlfriend. In that moment, I need to decide whether I want to correct the person gently, or continue to say “partner” until I eventually can say “she”.
Personally, I prefer to challenge people’s assumptions when this happens, and usually have no issue quickly replying, “Oh, my girlfriend,”. As I think it is important to challenge these assumptions.
We all make judgments and assumptions every day. Sometimes we do it to protect ourselves or our identities. Other times, we do it because our assumptions are shaped by our own perspective. Challenging assumptions can be hard. It means breaking out of a mindset we have always known. But doing so makes us more curious and open-minded. I always think that if I correct someone, perhaps the next time they meet a stranger, they might ask a question without making assumptions.